1. The parental personal assistant
Ah, the good old days. Never late or under prepared for anything with your uber-organised and unflappable PA, a.k.a ‘Mum’, at the helm of your academic, personal and sporting schedule.
A steaming cuppa at the ready of a morning, freshly laundered uniform and PE kit, a door to door drop-off and pick-up service. The only thing lacking was a red carpet!
2. The safety net
English coursework left until the night before? Geography Field Study results full of gaps? Impossible Maths homework to do?
No need to stress, Mum and Dad have taken every precaution, from hiring tutors, to teaching themselves Kumon Maths and re-reading the classics so they can ‘help’ (read: ‘do’); there’s no way you’re going stride forth in to the world without a clutch of A Stars and few totally-pointless-just-showing-off-now AS Levels to shake at it. Not if they have anything to do with it!
Sadly you can’t see them rocking up to London and pulling off writing that quarterly, promotion-dependent work report for you quite so convincingly. Drat.
3. The high school romance
Remember the days of the school disco and dating? It was like living a in a candy store and your High School love life had more exciting twists and turns than the average roller coaster.
These days the romantic options in your temping pool or open plan office aren’t nearly as exciting; unless of course you’re actively seeking someone a little thin on top, stressed out and middle aged. Failing that, here’s always Speed Dating to try. Anyone? Anyone with hair?
4. The thrill of pop culture
Back at school you spent your lunch break with your buddies learning all the words and dance moves to everything in the Top 10. From Vogue to Steps, to Gangnam, you and your mates could break it down and boss it like Beyoncé.
These days however, you’re so focused on living and breathing profit margins, KPI’s and targets instead that you don’t have the faintest clue what acts are even in the Top 10. ‘Cos that’s a ‘yoof’ thing, innit, and you is, like, officially old and sensible now, y’get me?
5. The school dinners.
Crikey, £2 bought a lot back in the day at the School Canteen didn’t it?! Home-made Pizza, roast dinner, or perhaps a spud and chilli filling, a drink, and then a pudding on top! There was even enough change for sweets on the walk home.
Sadly, Graduate life means throwing £6 a day of your hard earned dosh after a disarmingly fishy supermarket tuna sandwich with two very sorry looking slices of cucumber thrown in, a miniature carton of juice and some sort of ridiculously overpriced ‘gourmet’ cookie.
Add a take away coffee to the list and it’s the best part of tenner to part with. No wonder you can’t afford to save for a deposit!
6. The Christmas gifts
Admittedly your tastes were also simpler back at Secondary School – anything from The Body Shop or a can of ‘Charlie’ body spray from Boots typically nailed it.
Graduate life however has introduced you to the impersonal and misguided gift-giving debacle known as the office ‘Secret Santa’ instead – say hello to your annual ‘novelty’ chocolate body part and a tin of boot polish. Yay.
7. The holidays!
As if it wasn’t enough to have three end of term holidays a year to recover from life at Secondary School, you needed some half term breaks too! Bliss! Fast forward to life after Graduation and it’s strictly 20 days annual leave and a ‘first in, last to choose’ policy.
And guess who has to be the token face in the office between Christmas and New Years? Yours Most Recently Graduated, of course. But don’t worry, you can wear your own clothes. Nothing like a festive office pity-party for one eh?
8. Jumpers for Goal posts
At school you could start a game of footy any time, any place, and always played like your life depended on it. It didn’t matter whether you only had five minutes left on your break time or were in between classes, somehow you and your buddies made it happen.
And nobody cared if their pressed trousers got muddied or their armpits were left on the ripe side afterwards. Not only do you have no such opportunity or comparable camaraderie nowadays, you doubt you’d manage five minutes without keeling over.
9. Rebellion was cool
Serial truant? You were a legend. Let off stink bombs in assembly? Hero of the school. Carted out of class by the ear for back chat? Sexily subversive.
No such luck in graduate life. You gave it go but they just escorted from the building, P45 in hand and no slow victory clap to speak of.
Despite the detentions, acne, naff uniforms, curfews and exams, we had it pretty good at Secondary School really.